Well, shit.

i haven’t gotten 24 hours into this update and i’m already feeling irritated.

A black dung beetle sits atop a large ball of manure.

Well, shit.

That’s what my grandmother would say every time she would make the realization that something wasn’t right in the kitchen. She’d argue vehemently that she didn’t curse since she was “a lady” but we all knew that when we heard that across the house, it meant she had added something to dinner she didn’t mean to. It was always amusing to hear but at the same time it was clear that she was disappointed in herself in the moment.

As soon as i started writing out ideas for my blog, i began second-guessing myself. i was trying to figure out how to write for other people to enjoy my “content.” Even though i’m still in recovery from a spectacular burnout this past fall, i’m pushing myself to write something to bring people in and to get validation from external sources.

“Well, shit.”

i’m adding things to my site that i didn’t mean to. i’m wondering what tone of voice to use in order to ensure i can attract more work in the future. i’m thinking about how to make sure people will view my site. i’m agonizing over how to make sure i’m not “too much” or “too little” of anything. i’m already in danger of being inauthentic from the start.

So i think i need to retool some of my language on my site. i don’t want to somehow be tired of working on my website before i even get started. This should be a playground for me. It should be my personal sandbox where i can try out new ideas and see what sticks. It should be a place where i can be myself and not worry about what other people think.

i’m going to try to write more like i talk. i’m going to write how i feel, like i think. i’m going to try to write more like i am.